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| Jamaica Mission Trip (1997, 16 years old) |
Dear Me,
Here you are today at an age you once saw as old. You will be 32 on your next birthday.. At times, days with the 16 year old you seem like just yesterday and at other moments, it feels like an entire lifetime ago. I wish I could sit beside you and tell you that you are beautiful, on the inside and out. I wish I could make you believe you are smart and talented. I wish I could tell you most of your mistakes come from being controlled by your insecurities. I wish I could grab a hold of you and tell you to let those insecurities GO! Perfection will always be your worst enemy, as cliche as it is to say, it is the truth. At least the definition of perfection you have supplied for yourself. You, my sweet teenage girl, are the most perfect version of you. God has so much planned for you.
I know right now it is hard to see past your family, and while it isn't perfect and at times, in fact it is down right ugly during these years, you will make it through, all of you will. I know your pain feels unbearable at times, and I see your shame. Please know, it is not your job to fix either of your parents. It is your job to love them and be the best daughter you can be. Understand your baby sister is hurting too and love her wildly. Let her know she is also beautiful and despite all your hurt, make life a safe place for her. She will grow into an amazing woman, and her friendship will cling deep within your soul. She will not always be the way you see her now. Look into her little heart, it is hurting too. No five year old should ever have to understand why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. Your parents each love you and your sister in a strong and real way but right now, they can't see past their pain. They will each come around. In their own time and in different ways. Your mom will always be your biggest fan. She will be the most important woman in your life. You will admire her strength through the depths of what must have been unimaginable despair for her. You will pray that the Lord will send her someone to love and to love her the way she deserves. As of now, that still has not happened, but you will remain faithful to that prayer. Part of you will always be "Daddy's girl" and you feel the closest to him sitting in Williams Brice Stadium. You will see him evolve, and you will trust him again. You will see him love you with the fierceness only a daddy can have for his daughters. You will regret all the time you spent angry at him wishing you had spoken truth to him rather than words of anger, but you know he knows you have always loved him. Both of your parents will love YOUR children (we will get to them later) with all they have. It will warm your spirit to see them together, and know no matter what regrets they each may hold, those amazing babies would not be here had they not once loved one another.
That "big" house in the fancy community meant nothing. You are still YOU in the modest homes following the divorce. You are not defined by your house, by your clothes, by being a child of divorce, by how skinny you are or by any other label you may place on yourself. You, my sweet soul, are a child of God. Deep down you know that but finding the strength to move it from your mind to your heart seems impossible. I wish I could tell you to rise above the hurt from mean girls as well. They will cause you to behave in ways that are unbecoming when all you really want is to find your place in the halls of James F. Byrnes High School. The minute you finally let those mean girls know they no longer have control, you will actually get to enjoy the rest of high school. The constant knot in your stomach that you have done or said something wrong will vanish like a fad they once enjoyed. Never, ever tear someone else down to help yourself fit in. I so wish I could go back and snatch some of those words back. They were rooted in your own insecurities, and you felt shame and guilt the minute they leave your lips. You will have special friends you meet along the way. Use discernment with who you trust always. Being surrounded by huge groups of people does not equal companionship. True companionship is built with heart friends. Those friends are rare. Those friends love YOU and see your potential.
The boy. Oh, that boy. You know who I am talking about. You spend so much time worried about what the future holds with him. Let me tell you, you spend way too much time thinking about it and putting way too much pressure on you both. Your lack of trust is also rooted in your insecurity, and he will prove to be the most loyal man you have ever known. He loves you. He gets confused at times, and he acts like a teenage boy at times. That's okay. He will go to Clemson, and you will survive the two years of high school without him. He will meet new people but that doesn't mean he has forgotten you. You need to relax and enjoy moments laughing, connecting and telling stories as you learn one another, preparing for an amazing future. You will break up, but it will be exactly what you both need at the time. Your heart will hurt, but you will get through. He will come back. One day, you will wear white and give your life to him. He will take care of you, as he always has, and he will make you the mother of the two most incredible children. Even if I told you how amazing they are, you wouldn't believe me. You will have to wait and experience them for yourself. That boy will continue to love you every step of the way with a fierce passion. He will adore you. He will forgive you when you don't deserve it. He will not waiver through any season of life. So, instead of worrying, remember, GOD HAS YOUR FUTURE IN HIS HANDS!
I want you to know that you are SMART. Yes, you. No, you don't make straight A's (at least not until college), but you will discover you are full of untouched potential as professors hand back paper after paper with "A" written in red. You will always feel insecure in this area. At times, you won't write because you compare yourself to others or you won't try if something feels a little hard. Guess what, your writing is a gift from God. He is calling you to use it, and I wish you had discovered it sooner.
You are so much more than just pretty. Please know that. The irony in defining yourself as pretty is that you will never really be pretty enough. You will spend so much time beating yourself up for what you believe is excess weight or big pores or wide hips. Your list is long. Take a good look in the mirror, yes, you are quite beautiful at 16 and even at 31, but that is not WHO you are. It is just part of you. So, stop picking yourself apart and know you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Stop defining yourself by religion. Seek freedom in Christ. Your balance between the Methodist church you were raised in and the Southern Baptist church you attend with Brian leaves you confused. I want to tell you now, stop focusing on being good and doing right. Focus on living a life that brings glory to a Mighty God, a God who will one day redeem you from the pits of darkness. Walk intimately with your Savior, young lady. Stop trying to figure out the rules. When you live for Him, you hear Him and walk in obedience.
Finally, be excited about your future. God isn't done with you at 16, and He still won't be done with a few months shy of turning 32, but you will understand so much more about His mercy and His grace. There is so much to come!
Love,
Me
