The Marriage God Redeemed (Part 3: You are More)

You are more than the choices that you've made

you are more than the sum of your past mistakes

you are more than the problems you create

you've been remade. .

I wanted to write more last week and share how amazing last Saturday night was.  The Holy Spirit completely took over as Brian and I shared our story.  I felt calm and confident in who God had made me and what He had brought us through.  I felt peace in knowing our story can help others.  We were overwhelmed with the loving response we received, and I spent all day Sunday on a "spiritual high." Monday was a different story.  I felt everything I have ever done tumble down on top of me.  Flashes of darkness invaded my mind.  Memories of pain. Visions of things I wish to forget.  I spent all week fighting a battle with myself.  

Then, someone posted THIS blog.  Her story is very different than mine, but it has impacted me in ways I can't explain.  The truth is, I did have to walk through the dessert to be all God wants me to be.  The Lord saw His plans for me on the other side of darkness.  Do I celebrate the choices I made, the dark path I took?  NO!  Do I celebrate I am redeemed, and I can now be who the Lord intended? YES! 

The chorus above from Tenth Avenue North was popular in April of 2011, and I clung to the words each and every time I heard it played.  My amazing husband would even text me, "you are more" at the perfect time.  Getting beat down by what I had done and where I had been would not bring Glory to God.  Rather, rejoicing in His remaking of me would impact HIS Kingdom in ways I have been privileged to see as well as in ways that are yet to come.  

I think back to who I was in my early twenties.  I was a girl who loved her God but was narrow and righteous in her ways.  I rarely saw past the surface of someone's pain.  I did not offer sincere compassion.  I was not a giver of grace.  Don't get me wrong, I was not cruel, but I was self-righteous and I liked my "Christian bubble." 

Today, I tell you that there is no story anyone could bring my way that I would not immediately offer them grace, understanding, compassion.  My focus is no longer that sin but rather what brought them to such a place and how can healing begin.  I want relationships that reach beyond "Sunday school level." I want to see Kingdom building be the outcome of every single story.  No matter how bleak it may seem.  

I don't think I would have ever described myself as arrogant, but I have to tell you, that is exactly what I was.  And Satan knew it.  He knew taking a mixture of my righteous arrogance, my trusting nature, my naive ways, and all my insecurities that he would create the "perfect storm." 

Brian and I were also arrogant.  We thought we had it all figured out. . .the problem was, we didn't and we left the door wide open for Satan to try to destroy us.  We allowed toxic people in our lives.  We stopped being intentional with one another.  We stopped focusing on Christ.  Satan was knocking at our door, and as much as it shames me to say, I am the one who answered.  I let him in. 

I praise God, though, that our story is about REDEMPTION.  WE ARE MORE! God had and has so much more planned for us.  That was not destroyed.  His plan is bigger, and I get to be a part of that plan. 

The Marriage God Redeemed. . .(Part 2: This is Where the Healing Begins)

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Today, I didn't run The Bridge, I didn't jog, I didn't even walk fast enough to keep a high pulse.  I set my Pandora to "Need to Breath Radio," and I prayed, worshiped and took the time to abide in the great healer of my broken soul. I praised Him for healing me, and I pondered the areas of my heart that still need His healing.  The places with bitter scars, the places of forgiveness for myself as well as others.  Others that will never care if I have forgiven them, but I need to because that is what God asks of me.  Forgiveness will lead to healing....God continuing His mighty healing in the soft spots of my heart.  

 I thought back to October, 4 years ago, and how Satan's plan was in its most early motions.  I was oblivious.  Still believing I was rooted in an unwavering faith but becoming more and more complacent, unintentional in my walk with every step I took.  I wasn't using the map and though the Lord was warning me and knocking at my heart, I couldn't hear Him because quite frankly I wasn't listening.  Rather, I allowed the lies to be louder and drowned out the Voice of Truth.  Lies telling me that change was a good thing.  That everyone kept me in a box. I grew anxious...

I thought back to October, 3 years ago, and how my heart was broken.  How I wasn't sure how I had gotten to such a dark, scary and lonely place.  How I hated who I saw in the mirror, and I wanted to feel worthy of love again.  I went through the motions of life.  I knew all the right things to say and do, but when I was alone, I cried in my brokenness.  I begged God to help me, but I did not repent. . .my prayers were from a heart that felt empty.  My husband tried to understand the place I was in. He tried to be a part of it. He did not understand the depths of my darkness. I loved him, and my heart hurt, but I pushed him away.  I was in the midst of a "season of Seduction" Beth Moore refers to in, "When Godly people do Ungodly Things." 

I thought back to October, 2 years ago.  Still such a broken soul, a fallen girl.  I sought comfort in all the wrong places hoping to find myself somewhere in the midst of it all, but my heart was not repentant.  The healing would not come as I hid in my darkness.  I continued through the motions, just as I had a year ago, but I pushed away love.  I was angry.  The pain was more than I could carry on my shoulders.  I wondered just how many cracks I could take before I would shatter into a million pieces.  I pushed my husband away. He saw my pain, but he was at a loss. I did not know it then, but he was praying for me just as the Prodigal son's father prayed for him to return.  He knew the roots of my heart would bring me home as long as he prayed with expectancy   

Finally, with great praise, I thought of October, 1 year ago.  Just 6 months earlier, I was brought to true repentance. I felt joy again. I felt the movement of my baby boy, a blessing of mercy inside my womb. I felt the full love of my husband again, and I felt worthy to receive it. I praised God for taking me back. I sought guidance in His Word. I felt comfort in the prayers of trusted friends. I felt
renewal in worship.  I vowed to make Satan sorry he messed with our family. Covered in grace, I was humbled knowing I did not have to walk with my head in shame.  I praised the Father, from whom all blessings flow every single day....a year later, I still do. My darkness met the light and the healing began.

***I wrote this yesterday, but I didn't post it. I didn't post it because I became concerned and overwhelmed with the people who read my blog and then gossip about me. People using their own conjecture to fill the gaps of my story. But today, The Lord reminded me why He has me blog. He reminded me that I'm fearing idle gossip from people who don't matter. He reminded me of His plan, and that He has my hand and wants me to walk boldly. So, here I am, vulnerable once again on the World Wide Web.

Finally, Brian and I would like to ask those of you praying for us for this coming Saturday night to pray specifically or our hearts and minds to be protected this week. We also ask that you pray if there is anything in our talk God would have us change that we would hear His voice and not resist Him. 

The Marriage God has Redeemed. . .(Part 1: The Courage to tell our story). . .

This coming Saturday night, Brian and I will stand in front of friends, acquaintances and strangers to tell the story of how God redeemed our marriage at an event at our church.  I sit here now, a mere six days before, filled with nervous excitement and a bit terrified as I wait in anticipation. I feel like the Lord has revealed to us exactly what and how much He wants us to share as we are now finalizing and polishing, but I am also unnerved as I feel the attacks of Satan.  That inner voice in my head telling me I don't have any business up on that stage.  I feel him making me tired and edgy.  I hear the darts telling me I will get up there and make a fool of myself, ironically with my rambling. You know what, he is right about one thing, I don't have any business up on that stage. . .that is, in my own power, but through the authority of God the Father and the blood of Christ, I am given the power to stand up and tell our story of grace. . .of restoration. . .of hope.

Our story has a beginning (young love), a middle, and what Satan wanted to be an end, but God has a bigger plan for us, and through Him, our marriage has been saved.  I walk in that everyday, and I savor the grace and mercy that was bestowed upon me.

I will update more during the week.  Asking for specific prayer requests and working through elements of our story in my own mind.  It always helps me to write things out.  Tonight, I remind myself that our story isn't about a fallen girl, it isn't about a wonderful man who perhaps grew complacent, it isn't about the power of either of them. . .our story is about a redeeming God.  For without Him, nothing could be explained, including and especially the birth of our baby boy.  I pray now for the people who will sit in the audience.  Telling our story in our home church will be difficult, and I pray they receive our story with compassionate hearts.  I pray it reaches everyone, no matter where they might be right now.  I pray they hear what God has done, not what Brian or I have done.  I pray they don't get bogged down by the details in a gossipy manner but rather they praise God for what He has brought us through.   I pray for anyone who believes their marriage to be perfect, just as we did just four years ago, and I pray specifically for them, that they don't tune-us-out thinking, "that could never be me." That, my friends, can be the scariest place of all.

This Sure is the Good Life We're Livin'

It's been a long day, and I am at the end of my rope.  I still need to stop at Publix, and we have the drive from Mt. Pleasant to our house across town ahead of us.  I feel like a spaz- I feel weary- sure I look tired and unorganized to anyone I pass.

As we leave Hannah's Occupational Therapy appointment, we approach the elevator- me pushing the stoller with Wyatt unwilling to be pushed on my hip, my enormous diaper bag on one shoulder and Hannah at my side. We are met by a tall, slender blonde wearing a form fitting pencil skirt with a business style blouse perfectly pressed. I quickly note her red bottom shoes, also known as Louis Vuitton. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a pair of red bottom shoes.  Her hair is smooth, and her smile is sweet as we approach.  I don't think there was a flaw on her-she looked perfect, pulling behind her, a small case-I decide she is a pharmesutical sales rep.  I think of the ease and status associated with such a career- I think of what life would be like if I had decided to follow a career.

She makes polite small talk with us as we enter the elevator. The doors close, and I am left with the reflections of 2 women- both in their early thirties- with completely different lives, or so I presume.

I study the beautiful rep.  She isn't wearing a wedding ring.  In my imagination, she will pull away in her company-paid-for Acura after sending a few texts finalizing plans for sushi and drinks with friends. Her condo with a view awaits her as she runs in to freshen up from a day of work and to slide into designer jeans- everything inside her home perfectly in place. No laundry over flowing.  No dishes in the sink.  No homework left undone or toys to trip over.

I then look at myself- giving due credit. I am certainly not unfortunate looking.  I notice my hair could use a brush, though, thanks to the pace of the day and Wyatt grabbing for my sunglasses on top of my head.  I think how I am thankful on this particular morning, I found the time to straighten my hair- the carefree look is nice for those who are actually carefree- my personality doesn't match the beachy waves my hair falls to when diapers, bottles, and early mornings don't allow for more. I scan down- my pre baby body is, mostly, back but my style has changed.  My heals are retired for now, and my shirts smell of spit up.  That morning, I quickly grabbed the most comfortable jeans I could find. In the moment I look down to notice how badly I need a pedicure, Wyatt spits-up- I catch it in my hand and wipe it on my jeans. Did she just look at me with pity? Wyatt throws down his sippy cup.  Hannah picks it up for me. I wonder what this woman was making of my life in these moments.

The home awaiting me has a view of middle class suburbia. There will be no drinks and sushi tonight. Instead, I will face piles of laundry, dirty dishes, undone homework. I will pick up toys, cook dinner, and give baths. I am tired.

For the smallest second.  A second I am deeply ashamed of....I was jealous of her. Jealous of her life. Jealous that there were no tired circles under her eyes. Jealous her clothes looked neat and did not smell of spit up. Jealous, oh so jealous, of those red bottom shoes. Jealous of the life I created for her in my mind.

I think of that woman the entire ride home. I am embarrassed to admit, I fantasized what my life would be life like if Brian and I owned a condo with a view, and I had a career that warranted pencil skirts and sexy tops.

I get home to the mail---oh, the reality that is in the mail. Bills.  Discount ads.  Life.  Real life.

Wyatt screams as I place him on the living room floor in order to try and get Hannah's homework finished and dinner started.  I just need a break. 


I consider going to hide in my bedroom when...

The greatest part of the day arrives, and I hear the garage door go up signaling the greatest part of me is home.  As he walks in the door, I forget all about the woman. My heart overflows as he immediately picks up the screaming baby from the floor, kisses Hannah and walks over to place his arms around me. I realize there is no other life I could ever want. Not even the fantasy life I created for the beautiful rep.

There are moments I am tired. Moments when I wonder what life with 2 incomes would be like.
Moments when I forget I am a woman and feel like nothing but a mom. Moments where I want to scream because my inner perfectionist can't handle the mess that is life with kids.  Moments where I need to get out on the town and feel like a woman...just a woman, not mommy.

But. . .

There is no greater joy than being Wyatt and Hannah's mommy. I am reminded I am beautiful to them when my hair is a mess and my clothes are rumpled from a busy day. One day, I will miss the toys that clutter the house, and I will ache for the days of bedtime routine.  The Lord picked me for this very special role.  The status is greater than any career I could pursue, and the rewards are far more than red bottom shoes.

There will be days, I will briefly envy the woman in the elevator, but I am exactly where I'm
supposed to be- exactly where I want to be....

The next day, I let my hair flow natural, and I embrace every moment loving my two precious gifts forgetting the stresses, ignoring the mess.....