She begged The Lord, no she pleaded for Him to please not take His hand off her life. She had known Him from a young age, and since coming to the cross, she had never felt so separated from Him. She knew she deserved Him to turn away and leave her this way. She also knew of His love, but how can she accept it when she is now so unlovable?
She hadn't always been broken, or so she thought. There was a time she felt whole. She walked with the lofty church ladies. She lived the cliche. She prayed at Bible Study for "Sally, who has fallen away...and can you believe what she has done?" The ladies all shake their head in sympathetic, but never empathetic, shame.
She preached God's grace but looking back, she can't remember how often she actually showed it. She was sure to let you know all she stood for and even more, all she stood AGAINST. Everything was black and white and she pitied anyone who didn't understand the world from that view. She listened to the stories of the woman at the well and also of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and expensive perfume, but she could not comprehend the depth of love these women had come to know because they had been forgiven MUCH. The stories were always good examples to share in a pinch, but she never equated gossip or "little white lies" with the sins of these women. I mean, she would never be a prostitue. She was too busy sitting behind the church walls with like-minded friends as they patted one another on the back and said "amen" to moralism and legalism.
Now, on this cold day, she wanted to peel off her skin. She prayed The Lord would make her someone else. She would trade her sin for another, if He would just let her struggle be something else. Not this. She wanted to go back in time. Be one of those church ladies again. The shame began to mutilply and come at her. Ironically, often times brought on by those she had once seen herself as a part of. Those knowing eyes and "come to Jesus" emails intended to set her back on the path of righteousness. She knows she is now the topic at those aforementioned Bible studies. A voice reminds her loudly, "they're using prayer to gossip about me". Her shame is now combined with anger. Anger because they don't understand. But then again, neither does she. She will one day, though. One day she will see all she must overcome to be who The Lord always intended.
She hits her knees. She hates herself. She knows God must hate her too. How could He not? The shame brings embarrassment. Like the world can see her sin and brokenness. She puts up walls. She keeps secrets. She needs to protect the heart so full of pain.
The lies flow through her brain. She believes them. She feels worthless...broken...alone...unlovable... covered in chains.
Her face is wet with tears as she collapses into a ball. "Why me, God?!??!" , she screams as she begs God to make her whole again, and she pleads for forgiveness.