The Marriage God Redeemed (Part 3: You are More)

You are more than the choices that you've made

you are more than the sum of your past mistakes

you are more than the problems you create

you've been remade. .

I wanted to write more last week and share how amazing last Saturday night was.  The Holy Spirit completely took over as Brian and I shared our story.  I felt calm and confident in who God had made me and what He had brought us through.  I felt peace in knowing our story can help others.  We were overwhelmed with the loving response we received, and I spent all day Sunday on a "spiritual high." Monday was a different story.  I felt everything I have ever done tumble down on top of me.  Flashes of darkness invaded my mind.  Memories of pain. Visions of things I wish to forget.  I spent all week fighting a battle with myself.  

Then, someone posted THIS blog.  Her story is very different than mine, but it has impacted me in ways I can't explain.  The truth is, I did have to walk through the dessert to be all God wants me to be.  The Lord saw His plans for me on the other side of darkness.  Do I celebrate the choices I made, the dark path I took?  NO!  Do I celebrate I am redeemed, and I can now be who the Lord intended? YES! 

The chorus above from Tenth Avenue North was popular in April of 2011, and I clung to the words each and every time I heard it played.  My amazing husband would even text me, "you are more" at the perfect time.  Getting beat down by what I had done and where I had been would not bring Glory to God.  Rather, rejoicing in His remaking of me would impact HIS Kingdom in ways I have been privileged to see as well as in ways that are yet to come.  

I think back to who I was in my early twenties.  I was a girl who loved her God but was narrow and righteous in her ways.  I rarely saw past the surface of someone's pain.  I did not offer sincere compassion.  I was not a giver of grace.  Don't get me wrong, I was not cruel, but I was self-righteous and I liked my "Christian bubble." 

Today, I tell you that there is no story anyone could bring my way that I would not immediately offer them grace, understanding, compassion.  My focus is no longer that sin but rather what brought them to such a place and how can healing begin.  I want relationships that reach beyond "Sunday school level." I want to see Kingdom building be the outcome of every single story.  No matter how bleak it may seem.  

I don't think I would have ever described myself as arrogant, but I have to tell you, that is exactly what I was.  And Satan knew it.  He knew taking a mixture of my righteous arrogance, my trusting nature, my naive ways, and all my insecurities that he would create the "perfect storm." 

Brian and I were also arrogant.  We thought we had it all figured out. . .the problem was, we didn't and we left the door wide open for Satan to try to destroy us.  We allowed toxic people in our lives.  We stopped being intentional with one another.  We stopped focusing on Christ.  Satan was knocking at our door, and as much as it shames me to say, I am the one who answered.  I let him in. 

I praise God, though, that our story is about REDEMPTION.  WE ARE MORE! God had and has so much more planned for us.  That was not destroyed.  His plan is bigger, and I get to be a part of that plan. 

The Marriage God Redeemed. . .(Part 2: This is Where the Healing Begins)

This is where the healing begins, oh

This is where the healing starts

When you come to where you're broken within

The light meets the dark

The light meets the dark

Today, I didn't run The Bridge, I didn't jog, I didn't even walk fast enough to keep a high pulse.  I set my Pandora to "Need to Breath Radio," and I prayed, worshiped and took the time to abide in the great healer of my broken soul. I praised Him for healing me, and I pondered the areas of my heart that still need His healing.  The places with bitter scars, the places of forgiveness for myself as well as others.  Others that will never care if I have forgiven them, but I need to because that is what God asks of me.  Forgiveness will lead to healing....God continuing His mighty healing in the soft spots of my heart.  

 I thought back to October, 4 years ago, and how Satan's plan was in its most early motions.  I was oblivious.  Still believing I was rooted in an unwavering faith but becoming more and more complacent, unintentional in my walk with every step I took.  I wasn't using the map and though the Lord was warning me and knocking at my heart, I couldn't hear Him because quite frankly I wasn't listening.  Rather, I allowed the lies to be louder and drowned out the Voice of Truth.  Lies telling me that change was a good thing.  That everyone kept me in a box. I grew anxious...

I thought back to October, 3 years ago, and how my heart was broken.  How I wasn't sure how I had gotten to such a dark, scary and lonely place.  How I hated who I saw in the mirror, and I wanted to feel worthy of love again.  I went through the motions of life.  I knew all the right things to say and do, but when I was alone, I cried in my brokenness.  I begged God to help me, but I did not repent. . .my prayers were from a heart that felt empty.  My husband tried to understand the place I was in. He tried to be a part of it. He did not understand the depths of my darkness. I loved him, and my heart hurt, but I pushed him away.  I was in the midst of a "season of Seduction" Beth Moore refers to in, "When Godly people do Ungodly Things." 

I thought back to October, 2 years ago.  Still such a broken soul, a fallen girl.  I sought comfort in all the wrong places hoping to find myself somewhere in the midst of it all, but my heart was not repentant.  The healing would not come as I hid in my darkness.  I continued through the motions, just as I had a year ago, but I pushed away love.  I was angry.  The pain was more than I could carry on my shoulders.  I wondered just how many cracks I could take before I would shatter into a million pieces.  I pushed my husband away. He saw my pain, but he was at a loss. I did not know it then, but he was praying for me just as the Prodigal son's father prayed for him to return.  He knew the roots of my heart would bring me home as long as he prayed with expectancy   

Finally, with great praise, I thought of October, 1 year ago.  Just 6 months earlier, I was brought to true repentance. I felt joy again. I felt the movement of my baby boy, a blessing of mercy inside my womb. I felt the full love of my husband again, and I felt worthy to receive it. I praised God for taking me back. I sought guidance in His Word. I felt comfort in the prayers of trusted friends. I felt
renewal in worship.  I vowed to make Satan sorry he messed with our family. Covered in grace, I was humbled knowing I did not have to walk with my head in shame.  I praised the Father, from whom all blessings flow every single day....a year later, I still do. My darkness met the light and the healing began.

***I wrote this yesterday, but I didn't post it. I didn't post it because I became concerned and overwhelmed with the people who read my blog and then gossip about me. People using their own conjecture to fill the gaps of my story. But today, The Lord reminded me why He has me blog. He reminded me that I'm fearing idle gossip from people who don't matter. He reminded me of His plan, and that He has my hand and wants me to walk boldly. So, here I am, vulnerable once again on the World Wide Web.

Finally, Brian and I would like to ask those of you praying for us for this coming Saturday night to pray specifically or our hearts and minds to be protected this week. We also ask that you pray if there is anything in our talk God would have us change that we would hear His voice and not resist Him. 

The Marriage God has Redeemed. . .(Part 1: The Courage to tell our story). . .

This coming Saturday night, Brian and I will stand in front of friends, acquaintances and strangers to tell the story of how God redeemed our marriage at an event at our church.  I sit here now, a mere six days before, filled with nervous excitement and a bit terrified as I wait in anticipation. I feel like the Lord has revealed to us exactly what and how much He wants us to share as we are now finalizing and polishing, but I am also unnerved as I feel the attacks of Satan.  That inner voice in my head telling me I don't have any business up on that stage.  I feel him making me tired and edgy.  I hear the darts telling me I will get up there and make a fool of myself, ironically with my rambling. You know what, he is right about one thing, I don't have any business up on that stage. . .that is, in my own power, but through the authority of God the Father and the blood of Christ, I am given the power to stand up and tell our story of grace. . .of restoration. . .of hope.

Our story has a beginning (young love), a middle, and what Satan wanted to be an end, but God has a bigger plan for us, and through Him, our marriage has been saved.  I walk in that everyday, and I savor the grace and mercy that was bestowed upon me.

I will update more during the week.  Asking for specific prayer requests and working through elements of our story in my own mind.  It always helps me to write things out.  Tonight, I remind myself that our story isn't about a fallen girl, it isn't about a wonderful man who perhaps grew complacent, it isn't about the power of either of them. . .our story is about a redeeming God.  For without Him, nothing could be explained, including and especially the birth of our baby boy.  I pray now for the people who will sit in the audience.  Telling our story in our home church will be difficult, and I pray they receive our story with compassionate hearts.  I pray it reaches everyone, no matter where they might be right now.  I pray they hear what God has done, not what Brian or I have done.  I pray they don't get bogged down by the details in a gossipy manner but rather they praise God for what He has brought us through.   I pray for anyone who believes their marriage to be perfect, just as we did just four years ago, and I pray specifically for them, that they don't tune-us-out thinking, "that could never be me." That, my friends, can be the scariest place of all.

This Sure is the Good Life We're Livin'

It's been a long day, and I am at the end of my rope.  I still need to stop at Publix, and we have the drive from Mt. Pleasant to our house across town ahead of us.  I feel like a spaz- I feel weary- sure I look tired and unorganized to anyone I pass.

As we leave Hannah's Occupational Therapy appointment, we approach the elevator- me pushing the stoller with Wyatt unwilling to be pushed on my hip, my enormous diaper bag on one shoulder and Hannah at my side. We are met by a tall, slender blonde wearing a form fitting pencil skirt with a business style blouse perfectly pressed. I quickly note her red bottom shoes, also known as Louis Vuitton. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a pair of red bottom shoes.  Her hair is smooth, and her smile is sweet as we approach.  I don't think there was a flaw on her-she looked perfect, pulling behind her, a small case-I decide she is a pharmesutical sales rep.  I think of the ease and status associated with such a career- I think of what life would be like if I had decided to follow a career.

She makes polite small talk with us as we enter the elevator. The doors close, and I am left with the reflections of 2 women- both in their early thirties- with completely different lives, or so I presume.

I study the beautiful rep.  She isn't wearing a wedding ring.  In my imagination, she will pull away in her company-paid-for Acura after sending a few texts finalizing plans for sushi and drinks with friends. Her condo with a view awaits her as she runs in to freshen up from a day of work and to slide into designer jeans- everything inside her home perfectly in place. No laundry over flowing.  No dishes in the sink.  No homework left undone or toys to trip over.

I then look at myself- giving due credit. I am certainly not unfortunate looking.  I notice my hair could use a brush, though, thanks to the pace of the day and Wyatt grabbing for my sunglasses on top of my head.  I think how I am thankful on this particular morning, I found the time to straighten my hair- the carefree look is nice for those who are actually carefree- my personality doesn't match the beachy waves my hair falls to when diapers, bottles, and early mornings don't allow for more. I scan down- my pre baby body is, mostly, back but my style has changed.  My heals are retired for now, and my shirts smell of spit up.  That morning, I quickly grabbed the most comfortable jeans I could find. In the moment I look down to notice how badly I need a pedicure, Wyatt spits-up- I catch it in my hand and wipe it on my jeans. Did she just look at me with pity? Wyatt throws down his sippy cup.  Hannah picks it up for me. I wonder what this woman was making of my life in these moments.

The home awaiting me has a view of middle class suburbia. There will be no drinks and sushi tonight. Instead, I will face piles of laundry, dirty dishes, undone homework. I will pick up toys, cook dinner, and give baths. I am tired.

For the smallest second.  A second I am deeply ashamed of....I was jealous of her. Jealous of her life. Jealous that there were no tired circles under her eyes. Jealous her clothes looked neat and did not smell of spit up. Jealous, oh so jealous, of those red bottom shoes. Jealous of the life I created for her in my mind.

I think of that woman the entire ride home. I am embarrassed to admit, I fantasized what my life would be life like if Brian and I owned a condo with a view, and I had a career that warranted pencil skirts and sexy tops.

I get home to the mail---oh, the reality that is in the mail. Bills.  Discount ads.  Life.  Real life.

Wyatt screams as I place him on the living room floor in order to try and get Hannah's homework finished and dinner started.  I just need a break. 


I consider going to hide in my bedroom when...

The greatest part of the day arrives, and I hear the garage door go up signaling the greatest part of me is home.  As he walks in the door, I forget all about the woman. My heart overflows as he immediately picks up the screaming baby from the floor, kisses Hannah and walks over to place his arms around me. I realize there is no other life I could ever want. Not even the fantasy life I created for the beautiful rep.

There are moments I am tired. Moments when I wonder what life with 2 incomes would be like.
Moments when I forget I am a woman and feel like nothing but a mom. Moments where I want to scream because my inner perfectionist can't handle the mess that is life with kids.  Moments where I need to get out on the town and feel like a woman...just a woman, not mommy.

But. . .

There is no greater joy than being Wyatt and Hannah's mommy. I am reminded I am beautiful to them when my hair is a mess and my clothes are rumpled from a busy day. One day, I will miss the toys that clutter the house, and I will ache for the days of bedtime routine.  The Lord picked me for this very special role.  The status is greater than any career I could pursue, and the rewards are far more than red bottom shoes.

There will be days, I will briefly envy the woman in the elevator, but I am exactly where I'm
supposed to be- exactly where I want to be....

The next day, I let my hair flow natural, and I embrace every moment loving my two precious gifts forgetting the stresses, ignoring the mess.....

Dear Me. . .

On Friday, I saw a post on this blog, and it inspired me to actually sit down and write on this that I have deemed my writing blog and then left it ever so neglected.  I have written and rewritten this post in my head all weekend.  Even now, I am curious to see how it will come out, but I feel like it is a good place to begin my writing.  A letter to Me, Annie, the teenage girl.  Ready. . . Set. . . Go. . .

Jamaica Mission Trip (1997, 16 years old)

Dear Me,

Here you are today at an age you once saw as old.  You will be 32 on your next birthday..  At times, days with the 16 year old you seem like just yesterday and at other moments, it feels like an entire lifetime ago.  I wish I could sit beside you and tell you that you are beautiful, on the inside and out. I wish I could make you believe you are smart and talented. I wish I could tell you most of your mistakes come from being controlled by your insecurities.  I wish I could grab a hold of you and tell you to let those insecurities GO!  Perfection will always be your worst enemy, as cliche as it is to say, it is the truth.  At least the definition of perfection you have supplied for yourself.  You, my sweet teenage girl, are the most perfect version of you.  God has so much planned for you.  

I know right now it is hard to see past your family, and while it isn't perfect and at times, in fact it is down right ugly during these years, you will make it through, all of you will.  I know your pain feels unbearable at times, and I see your shame.  Please know, it is not your job to fix either of your parents.  It is your job to love them and be the best daughter you can be.  Understand your baby sister is hurting too and love her wildly.  Let her know she is also beautiful and despite all your hurt, make life a safe place for her.  She will grow into an amazing woman, and her friendship will cling deep within your soul.  She will not always be the way you see her now.  Look into her little heart, it is hurting too.  No five year old should ever have to understand why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. Your parents each love you and your sister in a strong and real way but right now, they can't see past their pain.  They will each come around.  In their own time and in different ways.  Your mom will always be your biggest fan.  She will be the most important woman in your life.  You will admire her strength through the depths of what must have been unimaginable despair for her. You will pray that the Lord will send her someone to love and to love her the way she deserves.  As of now, that still has not happened, but you will remain faithful to that prayer.  Part of you will always be  "Daddy's girl" and you feel the closest to him sitting in Williams Brice Stadium.  You will see him evolve, and you will trust him again.  You will see him love you with the fierceness only a daddy can have for his daughters.  You will regret all the time you spent angry at him wishing you had spoken truth to him rather than words of anger, but you know he knows you have always loved him.   Both of your parents will love YOUR children (we will get to them later) with all they have.  It will warm your spirit to see them together, and know no matter what regrets they each may hold, those amazing babies would not be here had they not once loved one another.  

That "big" house in the fancy community meant nothing.  You are still YOU in the modest homes following the divorce.  You are not defined by your house, by your clothes, by being a child of divorce, by how skinny you are or by any other label you may place on yourself.  You, my sweet soul, are a child of God.  Deep down you know that but finding the strength to move it from your mind to your heart seems impossible.  I wish I could tell you to rise above the hurt from mean girls as well.  They will cause you to behave in ways that are unbecoming when all you really want is to find your place in the halls of James F. Byrnes High School.  The minute you finally let those mean girls know they no longer have control, you will actually get to enjoy the rest of high school. The constant knot in your stomach that you have done or said something wrong will vanish like a fad they once enjoyed.  Never, ever tear someone else down to help yourself fit in.  I so wish I could go back and snatch some of those words back.  They were rooted in your own insecurities, and you felt shame and guilt the minute they leave your lips.  You will have special friends you meet along the way.  Use discernment with who you trust always. Being surrounded by huge groups of people does not equal companionship.  True companionship is built with heart friends.  Those friends are rare.  Those friends love YOU and see your potential. 

The boy.  Oh, that boy.  You know who I am talking about.  You spend so much time worried about what the future holds with him.  Let me tell you, you spend way too much time thinking about it and putting way too much pressure on you both.  Your lack of trust is also rooted in your insecurity, and he will prove to be the most loyal man you have ever known.  He loves you.  He gets confused at times, and he acts like a teenage boy at times.  That's okay. He will go to Clemson, and you will survive the two years of high school without him.  He will meet new people but that doesn't mean he has forgotten you.  You need to relax and enjoy moments laughing, connecting and telling stories as you learn one another, preparing for an amazing future.  You will break up, but it will be exactly what you both need at the time.  Your heart will hurt, but you will get through.  He will come back. One day, you will wear white and give your life to him.  He will take care of you, as he always has, and he will make you the mother of the two most incredible children.  Even if I told you how amazing they are, you wouldn't believe me.  You will have to wait and experience them for yourself.  That boy will continue to love you every step of the way with a fierce passion.  He will adore you.  He will forgive you when you don't deserve it.  He will not waiver through any season of life.  So, instead of worrying, remember, GOD HAS YOUR FUTURE IN HIS HANDS!

I want you to know that you are SMART.  Yes, you.  No, you don't make straight A's (at least not until college), but you will discover you are full of untouched potential as professors hand back paper after paper with "A" written in red.  You will always feel insecure in this area.  At times, you won't write because you compare yourself to others or you won't try if something feels a little hard.  Guess what, your writing is a gift from God.  He is calling you to use it, and I wish you had discovered it sooner.  

You are so much more than just pretty.  Please know that.  The irony in defining yourself as pretty is that you will never really be pretty enough.  You will spend so much time beating yourself up for what you believe is excess weight or big pores or wide hips.  Your list is long.  Take a good look in the mirror, yes, you are quite beautiful at 16 and even at 31, but that is not WHO you are.  It is just part of you.  So, stop picking yourself apart and know you are fearfully and wonderfully made.  

Stop defining yourself by religion.  Seek freedom in Christ.  Your balance between the Methodist church you were raised in and the Southern Baptist church you attend with Brian leaves you confused.  I want to tell you now, stop focusing on being good and doing right.  Focus on living a life that brings glory to a Mighty God, a God who will one day redeem you from the pits of darkness.  Walk intimately with your Savior, young lady.  Stop trying to figure out the rules.  When you live for Him, you hear Him and walk in obedience.  

Finally, be excited about your future.  God isn't done with you at 16, and He still won't be done with a few months shy of turning 32, but you will understand so much more about His mercy and His grace.  There is so much  to come!

Love,
Me

“Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.” Rick Warren 

Excited and nervous as God continually prepares a way to use what I consider the ugliest part of my past.  He is bringing others into my path and reminding Brian and I both that so much Glory will be brought to Him through something meant by Satan to destroy us.  Sitting at dinner the other night, Brian mentioned a brief clip he heard on the radio of Rick Warren speaking on how often the things we want to share the least are the things God wants to use the most.  So, this morning, I found this quote.  The Lord does not intend for us to hide in shame.  He intends for us to use EVERYTHING for HIS glory.  Last night, I was reminded that God is building a path for me to share my "story." It's a little scary but exciting all at the same time.  I have said over and over that I fully intend to make Satan sorry he messed with my family.  I guess now it is time for me to live that out.  


I have been overwhelmed by Redeeming Love, and I look forward to using this blog to share with you my writings and my heart...